Time

The clock spins faster than my mind can
Sun sets, everything is on track
Our lives flying with the time
But not to say goodbye

Time flies, your every little motion
Pulls me, your love is my devotion
Eyes closed, hands in the air
Feel how much I care
Stay and see
I’m your simple melody

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Thoughts On… January

It’s been a roller coaster of a week; fright, anxiety, excitement, wonder, and even a little compassion have all been wrapped up around each other like a ball of yarn and it’s only Wednesday. For the past week, I’ve been going through the post holiday anxiety, you know, facing a long winter with next to no breaks in sight until summer. It happens every year, you can’t help but to slip into worrying about the future, how you’re living your life, and all the things you wish to change about yourself. This year I also have to decide which college I would like to attend, and make choices that will affect the rest of my life. Its inevitable that throughout this process you start to feel isolated in your own head, and mental isolation leads to a feeling of physical isolation too. I have found myself in a much more mellow mood doing a lot of thinking on my own, questioning theories I have come up with over the past year, and reconsidering what is important. By this evening I had done several full cycles through all of my emotions and upon arriving at work, I was leaning towards hopeless. Light has a funny way of creeping up when it is most missed though and my two favorite colleagues were on shift tonight, and I ended the night feeling more genuinely close to these two girls than I have with anyone in a long time. We shared dinner after the Texas Roadhouse closed and we talked for nearly an hour and half about all of our lives, the ambitions and the failings. These two people are probably considered to be just out of my “age range” for friends, but at the end of the night I was feeling more confident and hopeful about my future than I have in a long time. It just goes to show that even the most unlikely people can become the closest of friends, even the most worthless of days can hold an indefinite measure of meaning. There is a lot of uncertainty on the road ahead for you all and for me, but one thing is for certain and that is that no matter where you are there in life there will always be a friend looking to reach out, you just have to know where to look. This January, I look forward to seeing my friends Jess and Amelia at work and hopefully in other aspects of my life too.

 

Lately

Lately I have been thinking bout you
The clouds shade the world from a darker blue
Lately I have been thinking that we could simply start all over on the other side but believe me when I say I’m a different guy

And there’s a sunset burning through my window and out side there is a world that I can’t handle
Tonight I’m not thinking bout tomorrow or the things I have to do I’m thinking bout you

Your smile, and the way you hang your hair down makes me smile too
Your eyes, shine like diamonds that reflect the stirring revelations of your soul

And there’s a sunset burning through my window and out side there is a works that I can’t handle
Tonight I’m no thinking bout tomorrow or the things I have to do I’m thinking bout you

And I believe that what I’m feeling is real, lasting and true, an indelible imprint on me and you
But maybe we could take it back
Simplify this equation like a code to crack

Lately I have been thinking bout you

And there’s a sunset burning through my window and out side there is a works that I can’t handle
Tonight I’m no thinking bout tomorrow or the things I have to do I’m thinking bout you

The Not So New Year

So tomorrow marks the end of another year. It is probably one of the most exciting days of the year fills with family, friends, and partying. It is followed by New Years day, quite possibly the worst day of the year, filled with anxiety, fear, and stress. For many the joy and anticipation of the holiday season is but a memory as millions return home to work and school. The Christmas lights that were once looked upon with wonder and gladness now serve only to damper your already soured spirits. The holiday season is the greatest time of the year for a reason, and it is undoubtedly deserving such a title, but how can a month filled dreary weather, term papers, and deadlines ever match up to the magic of December? Well the answer is simple enough. “Suck the marrow out of life”, everyone says it, but to avoid the post holiday depression you need to stay active. Get back into your routine as quickly as possible. Spend time with people you like to see. Don’t stop having fun because you feel as though you’ve over indulged. Happy New Year’s eve everyone! Don’t let it get the best of you like every other year. This one can be different.

Darkness

“I can’t believe that’s how it happened… how it finally happened”

Sometime the tension that builds in the silence after a comment takes on its own persona, like a third entity sitting menacingly on the console between the driver and passenger seats.

“O my god Jamie, I have to pull over, I don’t feel right.”

The red Mercury pulls off to the side of the road and the boy anxiously puts the car in park.

“What’s wrong” is the first interjection that Jamie has made since it happened.

Raising his head and removing his hands from his face in an attempt to make eye contact he says “I just thought…I always thought it would be different.” Jamie still hasn’t turned her head towards him, instead she remains staring at the windshield as though she were trying to melt it.

“It’s getting late Eran, please just take me home, my mom’s already suspicious.”

Without another word the red Mercury starts back up the street. It is that time of the evening when almost all of the light has faded into a gray world of shadows, shadows that play tricks on the mind as they dance and jump off the road in front of you. As the car is approaching the intersection on the edge of town dividing the rural landscape from the suburban atmosphere, Eran shoots an uneasy glance towards Jamie. There are tears running down her pale face.

“Jamie! Jamie whats wrong. Please, please let me help.” Jamie bursts out into sporadic sobs, yet still stares straight ahead. Eran is crying too.

“Jamie. I do not know what to do. I’ll do anything, anything, just tell me.” She hardly has the strength or the capacity to make a coherent plea, but she does: it comes out in a gargul.

“Take me to see him.”

“Now?”

“I want to see him!”

“Are we even allowed. It’s getting dark.”

“You said you would do anything, you promised!”

“You’re right.”

Any light that had remained glimmering on the edge of the shadows is now gone. The couple are now driving down the highway and the light from Eran’s headlights bounces in all directions off of the red reflectors as the couple speed towards their destination.

“Turn them off.” Jamie whispers.

“What are you talking about?”

“Turn the headlights off!” Jamie’s command comes out in a sharp hiss.

“I don’t think -”

“If there is one thing I have ever known Eran, that I have ever known for sure, it is how much I hate those headlights right now. Turn them off” Jamie has become eerily striking and composed.

The highway which had previously had only one visible inhabitant is now seemingly deserted as they continue their drive in the silence.

It was nearly 9 o’clock when their journey had come to its end. Had you been observing the scene from afar, you would have seen something like this. The red light on Atherton Street turns green, and a maroon Mercury with its headlights turned off turns right and again immediately turns right onto the road leading into the graveyard running parallel to Atherton Street. You would have heard the engine go silent and the clicking of the passenger door as it opens and slams shut followed by the rustling of the grass as a young girl dressed in tight jeans and a white t-shirt whose brown hair bounced on her shoulders as she walked amongst the graves. You would have seen her as she approached the road. When she stopped to look back, a teenage boy, short with messy blonde hair stepped out of the driver’s seat with a look bearing a mixture of reverence and horror slowly walked towards her. You would have seen the girl walking until she reached the final row of graves before Atherton Street, and the boy, 20 yards behind, stop while she stands several feet in front of a marble tombstone.

The leaves rustle in the wind as the cars seem to silently jet by.Eran is overcome with concern as Jamie fixes her eyes on the grave of her father. Coming up behind her he puts a hand on her shoulder.

“Don’t touch me!”

“I’m sorry, I – ”

“It’s him you should be apologizing too!”

“Jamie, what are we doing? I never meant to -”

“You don’t understand! Why don’t you understand?”

Eran goes to speak but can not find the words and instead approaches the tombstone. As first he says nothing, then he begins in a whisper, almost pleading.

“Your daughter means everything to me… I’ll take care of her I promise… I have to – no, I need to… I just don’t know how. She needs someone stronger. She needs…” Eran can not finish because he is crying hysterically as he drops to his knees.

“I can’t do it! God help me please! I can’t do it myself. I can’t! Help!”

Eran continues to moan, rolling in the cool grass, expecting Jamie’s warming touch to come but it never does.

If you had been watching this scene from afar, you would have seen a boy, broken, laying amongst the dead. If you were watching from afar, you would have seen a girl, coolly composed, walk away into the darkness.

Thoughts On… Reality

Think of where you are at a particular moment, and how you feel. From laying under the starry skies, driving down the highway at night with the wind blowing in your face, listening to the sounds of humanity along the boardwalk; such things all bear a particular emotion that becomes one and the same with the place where you experienced it. Thus memories become synonymous with an emotion, and an emotion synonymous with a memory. Such a phenomenon helps to define our perception of our worlds at a point in time. Standing in the middle of the street the other night I watched as a couple shared a romantic moment in the moonlight. As the stars and the lights shone brightly above, this single frame of time became their snapshot of reality. To this couple, this particular point in time bore only love, created by their perception of the world. As a bystander I saw a much more broad and unbiased view of the true reality.

Scan out from the couple standing in the shadow of the apartment, and my friend could be seen urinating in the bushes, while in the house next to me another friend was in an argument with his father. The juxtaposition that this situation presented was so clear and made me think of how every experience in the world is perceived literally one second at a time. Emotions truly are a product of our situation and environment. If our reality is based on our perception of an experience and our experiences are derived from how we process our emotions, then reality is truly only existent in the exact present moment that it is experienced. If we are not around to experience a situation, than the reality is not real and hence non existent to us. Only what we experience is real. Chris McCandless once put this in another perspective by saying “happiness is only real when shared”. This raises a strange question, a theory really. If there is no one with which to share an experience, does the reality of it truly exist? It is a question that is hard to answer, but if we are truly only existent in the here and now, then to anyone else who is in a different point of space at that point of time will realize that that specific reality does not exist and hence reality is only real when shared.

Tonight the Stars Are Shinning

When the stars refuse to shine and the world seems to be nothing but darkness and despair, know that the world does not break everyone completely; we do become stronger in the spots where darkness weighs down the heaviest. Know that you are not alone, know that “all you need is love is a lie, but remember that all those you love are there for you…

Holiday Spirit

I woke up this morning to my grandmother wishing the house “Happy Easter” and a stomach ache from all of the greasy food that I ate last night. So while everyone was fussing over all the breakfast food (which was put in the oven an hour before they decided to serve lunch) I went for a run. Needed to clear the mind and body a bit. When I got back I was entertained by the families talk of constipation and other various problems that holiday foods give you. Then my sister discovered my twitter page. So for the past half hour I was the target of countless jokes, but in the end I couldn’t help but smile and laugh along. It is Christmas after all. Enjoy your family this Christmas day.

The Sea

There is a sea between life and death, a mystical boundary that is daunting before us. We stand on the shores of uncertainty and the inconceivable future, a new

adventure lurking just beyond the mystique of the unknown. Whether the tides of our fortune and fate lead us into the tranquil waters of serendipity, or into the

floods of turmoil and despair can not be answered with certainty. None the less, we all must sail out and discover what awaits across the ocean of our lives with

unquestioned boldness and an inextinguishable desire for meaning. Only when we rise up and break the chains of fear will any of our potentials be discovered, our

destinies realized. Take out onto the seas your passion, take out onto the sea your wonders, take out with you the deepest most stirring callings of your soul. Set sail

and see what awaits. Set sail and meet fate head to head. Set sail and accomplish what God has challenged. Set sail for love.

Second Rate Soldier

I’ve got another heartache 
That’s brought me to
My knees 
I’m right back where I started
searching for me 

And maybe there’s something I just cant find 
Maybe my love is just an alibi 
But I know what I’ve got and I know what I need to be
Baby I’m free 

Well I’m sick and tired 
of feeling like a second rate soldier 
whose lost his cause, 
fighting for some composure 
Indifferent to the pain 
That we all concede 
To be part of this life, 
an indefinite creed  
Well honey I’ll pay the cost 
I’ll play your game 

And maybe there’s something that we all can find 
Locked away somewhere deep inside 
My hands
My knees 
My souls bleeds 
To be 
Free 

Hands up 
Stand up 
Fight for what you need 
Lay it all 
Take the fall
Watch me as I bleed 

Your eyes burn bright like a beacon of light 
On the coast of the see on a stormy night  
The stars and the moon and the sun and the sky
Are filled with this most sacred lie 

But still maybe there’s something I just can’t deny
Maybe there’s something burning in our lives 
A fire that’s burning deep
 in me that screams 
Love is free